It was so new to her to feel like
that--for no girl was less given to moods and repinings. And all the
time a sort of contempt for this soft and almost sentimental feeling
made her tighten her lips and frown. She felt distrustful and sarcastic
towards a mood so utterly subversive of that fetich 'Hardness,' to
the unconscious worship of which she had been brought up. To stand no
sentiment or nonsense either in herself or others was the first article
of faith; not to slop-over anywhere. So that to feel as she did was
almost horrible to Barbara. Yet she could not get rid of the sensation.
With sudden recklessness she tried giving herself up to it entirely.
Undoing the scarf at her throat, she let the air play on her bared neck,
and stretched out her arms as if to hug the wind to her; then, with
a sigh, she got up, and walked on. And now she began thinking of
'Anonyma'; turning her position over and over. The idea that anyone
young and beautiful should thus be clipped off in her life, roused her
impatient indignation. Let them try it with her! They would soon see!
For all her cultivated 'hardness,' Barbara really hated anything to
suffer. It seemed to her unnatural. She never went to that hospital
where Lady Valleys had a ward, nor to their summer camp for crippled
children, nor to help in their annual concert for sweated workers,
without a feeling of such vehement pity that it was like being seized
by the throat: Once, when she had been singing to them, the rows of
wan, pinched faces below had been too much for her; she had broken
down, forgotten her words, lost memory of the tune, and just ended her
performance with a smile, worth more perhaps to her audience than those
lost verses.
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