The truth is, I thought he tried to force my mind from its natural and
proper bent: he continually wished me to be from home; he was drawing me
_from_ the consideration of my poor dear Mary's situation, rather than
assisting me to gain a proper view of it with religious consolations. I
wanted to be left to the tendency of my own mind in a solitary state
which, in times past, I knew had led to quietness and a patient bearing
of the yoke. He was hurt that I was not more constantly with him; but he
was living with White,--a man to whom I had never been accustomed to
impart my _dearest feelings_; though from long habits of
friendliness, and many a social and good quality, I loved him very much,
I met company there sometimes,--indiscriminate company. Any society
almost, when I am in affliction, is sorely painful to me. I seem to
breathe more freely, to think more collectedly, to feel more properly
and calmly, when alone. All these things the good creature did with the
kindest intentions in the world, but they produced in me nothing but
soreness and discontent. I became, as he complained, "jaundiced" towards
him.... But he has forgiven me; and his smile, I hope, will draw all
such humors from me. I am recovering, God be praised for it, a
healthiness of mind, something like calmness; but I want more religion,
I am jealous of human helps and leaning-places.
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